In 2011, nearly eight years ago, I purchased the domain name findingfearless.com. I had grand plans for this blog, writing about travel, living and working outside one’s country of origin, and all that one can accomplish in spite of mental illness, grief, and the onslaught of setbacks that life can throw at each of us. It was to be a testament to living and achieving not without fear, anxiety and despair – but looking it in the eye and doing it anyway.
What followed shortly thereafter was one of the most intense relapses of my clinical depression, and at the time, a new to me level of anxiety and panic attacks. I think it was around this time I finally realized what my panic attacks were – maybe.
Time has a tendency to keep on rolling regardless of our ability to cope with the challenges thrown our way. That first relapse bout was certainly not the last.
As many individuals who have struggled with mental illness, I’ve done my best to mask some of it; or to at least call it by another name because of the stigma attached to it. And certainly, some of my struggles have been varieties of grief that would be understandable for anyone, career setbacks that are not uniquely mine, and normal changes of life circumstance whether individually or pancaked upon one another. I’m not going to go through the laundry list today.
What I am going to do today is take the step I set out for myself eight years ago. The step towards finding my fearless in writing, doing, and making that I’ve wanted to take.
My life looks a lot different than it did then. I’m back to living in my country of origin, albeit in another state. I’m dealing with even more issues of chronic illness in varying degrees of controlled and understood. I’m re-examining my life goals and whether they still serve me in ways I would not have done even a year ago, let alone during the last 8-10 years.
I’m working away from self-censorship of my authentic self to the degree I am comfortable with. I’m striving to accept that done is better than perfect, that I am a person not a brand, that being all over the place at times is part of my charm and I don’t have to play it safe and stick to one theme or aspect of myself.
So with that, welcome to my blog. My blog of cooking misadventures and general kitchen witchery, lived and imagined travel escapades, art, photography, mismashed (medical) dietary experimentation, probably cats, and we’ll see what else.